Title: Jolene, You Can Have Him
(To the melody and structure of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”)
[Spoken Intro – over soft picking or lazy strum]
Well, I reckon most of y’all remember Jolene… that trollop with the flaming hair, floatin’ around like a damn fairy tale.
Maybe she took that man, maybe she didn’t—but she sure acted like she could.
Well… time’s passed. And wouldn’t you know it? Turns out life ain’t a Dolly Parton song.
Sometimes the locks turn bleach-blonde, the glass slipper’s a flip-flop, and the prince?
Well, he ain’t no prince at all.
[Chorus 1 – Opening Chorus]
Jolene, Jolen, Jolene, Jo-LENE
Please come here and get this man
Jolene, Jolen, Jolene, Jo-LENE
Please come take him and his broke-down van
[Verse 1 – The Fall of Jolene]
Your beauty used to turn a head
Flaming locks and lips blood red
With skin like cream and eyes so mean
You smiled like sin in early spring
Your voice is okay, not so plain
And I couldn’t compete with you, Jolene
But bleach and smoke done claimed your crown
And gravity’s been pullin’ them down
Your voice don’t sound like summer rain—
It’s more like a cow in pain
Your mirror cracked, your reign is done
But hey—you got your man, Jolene
[Verse 2 – Domestic Disaster]
He talks about you in his sleep
He still mutters “Jolene” through yellowed teeth
His stuff is out by the road, Jolene
And I can almost understand
Why you once chased after that man
But now you’re stuck with him and his dog, Jolene
He smells like old taco meat
Still misses and pees on the seat
He’s all yours now, Jolene
He clips his nails in the kitchen sink
Still pees outside like it don’t stink
That’s your five-star man, Jolene
[Chorus 2 – The Prize You Claimed]
Jolene, Jolen, Jolene, Jo-LENE
He’s all yours—ain’t life just grand?
Jolene, Jolen, Jolene, Jo-LENE
Now you’ve got him—and that broke-down van
[Verse 3 – You Got What You Came For]
You could have your choice of men
And girl, you chose the bottom end
Now he’s yours for keeps, Jolene
I had to have this text with you
My happiness don’t hinge on you
I hope you like his whiny ass, Jolene
He used to lie and drink with me
Now he just lies and drinks for free
You got yourself a Walmart dream, Jolene
He leaves his socks in the kitchen sink
Still blames the dog when the bathroom stinks
Maybe y’all deserve each other yet, Jolene
[Chorus 3 – Final Word]
Jolene, Jolen, Jolene, Jo-LENE
You chased him down—well now he’s yours
Jolene, Jolen, Jolene, Jo-LENE
May you rot in hell…
(pause)
in. that. broke. down. vannnnn! 🎸