A relative of mine wrecked their car and I fondly accused them of doing it on purpose in order to get a brand new vehicle. So, I modified Paul Simon’s masterpiece to match the incident.
Title: 50 Ways To Get A Brand New Car
(To the melody and structure of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”)
Lyrics
“The problem exists inside your claim”
The adjuster said to me
“The answer is easy if you
Examine your policy
I’d like to help you in your struggle
With the high deduct-ability
There must be fifty ways
To get a brand new car”
He said, “It’s not really my habit to call it a total loss
And furthermore my company
Won’t be covering the cost
But I’ll repeat myself
At the risk of sounding cross
There must be fifty ways
To get a brand new car
Fifty ways to get a brand new car”
Put it up on jacks, Mack
Dent up the van, Fran
Don’t need a used car, Roy
Now Ron can’t disagree
You’ll be riding the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Fish out your car keys
And drive your car free
Ooh, you got in a whammy, Tammy
Don’t get in a hissy, Sissy
You’re gonna need a new car, loan
Just listen to me
The claim’s in the pile, Kyle
You don’t need to pay down much
Don’t be a big bay-bee
And drive your car free
The adjuster said, “It grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To get a check to you”
I said, “I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways?”
He said “Why don’t I put
Your claim in tonight
And I believe in the morning
The claims adjustor will see the light
And then the police cited me
And I almost got in a fight
There must be fifty ways
To get a new car
Fifty ways to get a brand new car”
Take out a lease, Reese
Sign on the deal, Neil
Screw the used car, Troy
Act like money is free
Go pick out a ride, Clyde
You don’t need to decide much
Pick up the new keys, Lee
And drive your car free
Drive off the lot, Scott
Crank up the tunes, June
Slam that new car, door
And listen to TUE
No more whammys, Tammy
You don’t need to pay much
Dance in your seat, Pete
And drive your car free